Isn't She Lovely
Ordo Amoris
In a recent online exchange on the new administration's immigration policy, our new Vice President J.D. Vance posted this on X: “Just google ‘ordo amoris’”. He posted this in reply to criticism over statements he made in a Fox News interview where he said, “You love your family, and then you love your neighbor, and then you love your community, and then you love your fellow citizens in your own country. And then after that, you can focus and prioritize the rest of the world.” He claimed that the “far left” has inverted that.
Unfortunately, if you were to go and google ordo amoris right now, all that would populate would be the hundreds of news sites and blogs commenting on Vance’s X post. But if you sift through the information, you will see that Vance is alluding to the great 4th century theologian, Augustine of Hippo. Augustine's famous concept of ordo amoris ("rightly ordered love") appears explicitly in City of God:
"Love itself is to be ordinately loved, because we do well to love that which, when we love it, makes us live well and virtuously. It seems to me that it is a brief but true definition of virtue to say, it is the order of love (ordo amoris)."
—Augustine
According to Augustine, all humans must love things according to their true worth, with God as the highest object of love. C.S. Lewis references this same idea in his great work The Abolition of Man:
“St. Augustine defines virtue as ordo amoris, the ordinate condition of the affections in which every object is accorded that kind of degree of love which is appropriate to it.”
—C.S. Lewis
To summarize this, Lewis, Augustine, and Vance are all promoting the idea that the world was made a certain kind of way by a certain kind of God. And the world he made consists of things that deserve our affection. Not because they fit our tastes, but because they merit our love—we ought to love things that are lovely. If we don’t, the problem is with us, not the object.
If you want evidence that a definite vibe-shift is underway in American culture, surely our Vice President referencing Augustine is a giant sign.
The Beauty of Marriage
In our modern society, the prevailing assumption is that love and beauty are completely subjective. I would disagree. So what are the things that are lovely and that deserve our affection? Surely we have examples all around us in nature. No one can spend time in the mountains or on a beach or at the Grand Canyon and say, “Wow, this is ugly and unimpressive.” Well, I’m sure someone could say that, but they would be wrong.
Marriage, an institution created by God, is an objectively beautiful thing. The direct and special revelation of God to us in Scripture begins with a wedding—”This at last is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh” (Gen 2:23)—and ends with a wedding—the marriage supper of the Lamb (Rev 19). Marriage was created by God for the good of mankind—as the right context for sexual relations, for childbearing and child-rearing, and to display to the watching world the mystery of the relationship between Christ and His Church (Eph 5:22–23).
Marriage is a covenantal institution. It is a lifelong, exclusive, one-flesh union between a man and a woman that is established by a solemn, public covenant before God. That covenant, like all covenants, is kept together by vows and obligations. At my wedding, I vowed before God and before our family and friends to love my wife, Jami, no matter how I felt. Love is not first and foremost a feeling of affection, but rather the choice to act towards someone regardless of how I feel in the moment.
I am called to order my affections not to the whims of my various day-to-day emotions, but in line with the objective reality of God’s world, and to obey the commands he’s given me regarding my marriage. No matter how I feel, I am to love my wife as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her (Eph 5:25). That is my call as a husband, and that sets the standard for my actions. That is the order my affections must follow.
Isn’t She Lovely
Today is Valentine’s Day. This is a day dedicated to love and affection, particularly romantic love towards our spouses. It’s a day where the whole world recognizes the goodness and beauty of love towards our spouses and our families. And yet, we all know that life and marriage is not always as rosy as February 14. There are days when I don’t feel like loving my wife. And I know there are days where she doesn’t feel like loving me. There are days where neither of us are lovely, and yet we are called to love.
Husbands, remember the command of Paul in Ephesians 5. Not just the command, but also the wonderful truth that makes that command possible.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
—Ephesians 5:25–27
We are called to love one another even when we aren’t very lovable, because Christ laid down his life and died for us when we were the picture of unlovable. It wasn’t just that we weren’t lovely, we despised him. And yet, through his supreme loving act, he makes us lovable and lovely. Because of what Christ did, we are the picture of splendor, without spot or wrinkle, holy and unblemished. Even at our worst, because of Christ, we are lovely.
Do you see your spouse that way? We are called to love our spouses like Christ has loved us—not based on their perfection, but with the same sacrificial, purifying love that Christ has for His Church. When we are tempted to let our feelings dictate our actions, we must remember how Christ loved us at our worst, laying down His life to make us holy and blameless. In light of this great love, let us love our spouses with patience, grace, and faithfulness, reflecting the love of Christ in our marriages.