Husbands, Love Your Wives | Ephesians 5:25-33
Liam & Olivia have been married only a few years. But they seem to be in a constant state of conflict—from bickering to flow-blown verbal fights with name-calling and accusations. Marriage has not turned out to be what either of them expected. Olivia is disappointed in Liam and she’s not even sure why. Liam is frustrated and feels like nothing he does is ever good enough for her.
Noah & Emma have been married 15 years. From the outside their marriage looks stable. Their conflict isn’t explosive, more like low-grade irritation, frustration, and resentment. It’s not a warm marriage. Between their work schedules and kids’ activities, their limited interaction is cold, distant, and professional.
Jim & Deb have been married 30 years, so you might think they’re in the clear. However, they recently became empty nesters. And now that the kids are gone, their motivation to keep up the facade is gone. They feel they have nothing in common and don’t really like each other. Both assume that nothing will ever change (since nothing has for 30 years). At this point, divorce is the only thing they can agree on.
Every marriage traditionally begins with vows of lifelong, exclusive love—for better or for worse. Most young couples on their wedding day are dreaming of how much better life will be. No one is thinking about how things could get worse.
But what if life gets worse? What if your spouse changes for the worse?
How can husbands and wives strengthen unity in marriage? That’s what God reveals in his instructions to husbands and wives here in Ephesians.
Ephesians 5:25–33
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Love Your Wives
Last week we heard God’s instruction to wives in Ephesians 5:22–24. Here Scripture addresses husbands.
By the way, in our confused culture, it’s worth noting—a husband is different from a wife; a wife is different from a husband. The modern trend is to ditch the words husband and wife for a gender neutral word like partner. Don’t do that! That is an egalitarian agenda through language to claim that the two parties in a marriage are the same and totally interchangeable.
Husbands and wives are not the same. And God’s commands to each differ. Look at the summary statement at the conclusion of this section: “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33).
Husbands are commanded to love and wives are commanded to respect. God graciously instructs each to treat the other in the specific way that your spouse is wired to receive love. In general, a wife desires affection and security. The wife who feels safe and secure and cherished finds it easy to trust and respect her husband. And generally speaking, a husband desires respect. The husband who feels honored, respected, and trusted finds it easy to love and cherish his wife.
Ignoring or rejecting God’s commands here leads to what one author calls the Crazy Cycle. A wife who feels unloved tends to withhold respect. A husband who feels disrespected tends to withhold love. And round and round they go, spiraling deeper and deeper into conflict.
The good news is that by God’s grace you can spiral up and out of the Crazy Cycle when you trust and obey God’s specific command to you—no matter what your husband or wife does. Last week, we heard how a wife can strengthen her marriage by joyfully submitting to her husband in everything as to the Lord. So how can a husband in particular strengthen his marriage? By sacrificially loving his wife the way Christ loves the church.
That’s the main point of this text. It’s stated as a command, and that command is repeated three times:
“Husbands, love your wives” (Ephesians 5:25).
“Husbands should love their wives” (Ephesians 5:28).
“Let each one of you love his wife” (Ephesians 5:33).
Sometimes it’s possible to reword the main point into something pithy and memorable. This one is so simple and straightforward that rewording it would complicate it. Husbands, love your wives.
The aim of this text is to motivate husbands to love their wives. If you are a husband, make that personal. In fact, v. 33 is emphatically personal in the Greek. It could be translated, “Let each and every one of you love his wife.” Or, “Let every one of you in particular ….” It’s like Paul slows down to make eye contact with each and every one of you. There is no hiding in the crowd here.
But listen, this text is for all of us, male and female, married or single, young or old. We all have a vested interest in God’s instructions to husbands. Most of you either are or have a husband, or will be or will have a husband. All of you have a father, and your life has been profoundly shaped by the way he treated your mother.
And one of the most critical factors in the health of our church and the strength of our witness in the world is the health and strength of our marriages. The marriage union is the most fundamental building block of society. Isn’t it the individual?, you might ask. No, because individuals come from the one-flesh union of a man and woman. What was God’s judgment before he formed the Woman? “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Gen 2:18). When Adam was alone, he was unable to fulfill the Creation Mandate, to be fruitful, to multiply, to fill the earth and subdue it (Gen 1:28).
The family is the most basic society. Every individual comes from and is born into fellowship. And every other form of community—whether a church, a city, a school, a business, a nation—is basically a scaled up family.
Listen to this statement from Charles Hodge commenting on Ephesians 5: “It is of vital importance to the best interests of society that the true doctrine of marriage, as taught in this passage and in other portions of God’s word, should be known and regarded. The highest social duty of a husband is to love his wife; and a duty which he cannot neglect without entailing great injury on his own soul as well as misery on his household. The greatest social crime, next to murder, which any one can commit, is to seduce the affections of a wife from her husband, or of a husband from his wife.”
The greatest social crime next to murder! That’s how significant God’s Words are in Ephesians 5 to husbands and wives. And the most critical factor in every marriage is the way the husband treats his wife. Husbands, love your wives.
As always, Scripture not only tells you what to do, but provides the grace you need to do it. Scripture does not merely command husbands to love their wives, but reveals the meaning of marriage, the logic of love, and the model of love. I think it makes sense to begin at the end and work our way backward, starting with the meaning of marriage in vv. 31–33. I trust you’ll see why as we go.
The Meaning of Marriage
“‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:31–33).
In v. 31, Paul quotes Genesis 2:24. This universal statement about all marriages everywhere was written after the first wedding in the Garden of Eden, before sin entered the world.
This statement establishes marriage as an institution ordained by God. Marriage is therefore not a social construct—not a man-made thing. It is not defined by the civil government. God himself instituted the one-flesh union of a man and woman in marriage.
And notice what Paul says right after citing Genesis 2: “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (v. 32). Paul is claiming that from the very beginning God had Christ and the church in mind when he made humans male and female to be joined in marriage. In other words, God created marriage to be a picture of Christ and the church. Marriage has always foreshadowed that relationship.
It’s not like Paul was scratching his head, looking for a good metaphor and thought, “Hey, Christ is united to the church, kind of like a husband is united to his wife.” No! He is saying that marriage exists—that God established human marriage based on God’s plan to unite Christ to his bride, the church.
That’s why Paul calls it a mystery. That’s not like an unsolved crime or an inexplicable phenomenon. Paul uses the word mystery 7 times in Ephesians to refer to the purposes and plans of God that were hidden in plain sight until the meaning was revealed in Jesus Christ. In Scripture, a mystery is truth we couldn’t know without special revelation from God.
And Paul calls the ultimate meaning of marriage “a great mystery.” This is a mindblowing mystery! Every marriage reflects the union of Christ and the church. Your marriage reflects the union of Christ and the church. You might think, Not my marriage! My marriage is too miserable, too contentious.
Listen! Every marriage reflects Christ and the church. That doesn’t mean every marriage is an accurate reflection. Some marriages misrepresent the relationship between Christ and the church. Unloving husbands blasphemously portray Christ as harsh and cruel. Passive husbands feebly depict Christ as weak, indifferent, or absent. Unfaithful wives disgrace the purity of the church. But every marriage is saying something about Christ and the church.
What is your marriage saying? Husbands, what are you saying to the world about Christ in the way you relate to your wife—how you treat her, how you speak to her, how you lead her and love her? Wives, what are you saying to the world about the church in the way you relate to your husband—the way you talk about him to other women, the way you respond to him? The purpose of your marriage is to accurately display for the world the love of Christ for his bride and the reverence of the church for Christ.
The relationship between Christ and the church informs every aspect of your marriage. In literature there is something called a “controlling metaphor.” A controlling metaphor provides an overarching framework to the whole story.Disney World uses the idea of a controlling metaphor brilliantly. If you work at Disney World, you’re not an employee, you’re a “cast member.” And that metaphor controls or informs everything you do. Cast members don’t interview for a job, they “audition for a role.” They don’t wear a uniform, they’re “in costume.” They don’t clock in, they’re “onstage.” It’s not even work, it’s a “performance.” Thinking of yourself as a cast member empowers you to figure out what to do, even in situations that weren’t covered in your training.
The same is true in marriage. Once you understand that your marriage is a reflection of the love of Christ for his church, that becomes the controlling metaphor in everyday life. What if you find yourself in a conflict or situation that never came up in any of your marriage books or pre-marriage counseling? Look at Christ and his bride! How does Christ treat the church? How does the church respond to Christ? That’s what Paul is explaining in the rest of this passage.
The Logic of Love
“In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” (Ephesians 5:28–30).
Husbands should—several translations say ought to love their wives. The Greek literally says that husbands are obligated to love their wives. This is almost completely foreign to our modern ideas of romance, which prioritizes passions over duty, feelings over actions, personal fulfillment over faithfulness. People today fall in and out of love, or the love runs out. But God says you have a covenantal responsibility to love your wife no matter what.
And in vv. 28–30, Paul gives the logical foundation beneath the command to love: “Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.” The point is not merely that a husband's love for his wife should be similar to the love that he has for his own body, or as great as the care he takes for his own body. The point is a logical one. It answers why. Husband, love your wife because … she is your body. You can see that logic in v. 30: “Just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.”
Husbands, is that how you think of your wife? This simply a continuation of the idea introduced in the section addressing wives. “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body.” (Ephesians 5:23). Headship is not the right to get your way; headship is the responsibility to nourish and cherish your body.
Notice that headship is a fact, not a command. Scripture does not command, “Husbands, be the head.” It just states a fact. The husband is the head of the wife. The wife is his body.
In other words, headship is inescapable; it’s unavoidable in every marriage. The only question is whether he is a faithful head. Under a faithful head, a wife will flourish. Or else she will suffer under a domineering head or languish under an abdicating head.
What does it mean to be a faithful head? A faithful head is one who accurately reflects Christ. Look again at vv. 28–29: “Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:28–29).
Love is the command that naturally follows the reality of headship. Only a fool or a knucklehead would hate or mistreat his own body. It is natural and right to care for your body—to nourish and cherish the body. Those words literally mean to feed and to keep warm. God calls husbands to care for their wives’ needs physically and emotionally. It is the duty of a husband to provide and protect.
A faithful head governs the body, leading and directing it in God’s ways. Paul’s commands throughout Ephesians 5 apply to the husband as the spiritual head:
“Walk as children of light …, and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord” (5:9–10).
“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise” (5:15).
“Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is” (5:17).
As the spiritual head, the husband is responsible to lead his body to walk in a manner pleasing to the Lord. And that requires intentionality, initiative, influence, and authority.
Most critically, the head must stay connected to the body. In marriage, connection means communication. Your brain is constantly sending and receiving signals from every part of your body. Through constant feedback and communication, the head regulates the body. The head knows when there is pain, hunger, discomfort, fatigue, or illness. Clear communication is vital to faithful headship in marriage. Husbands, your wife can’t submit to you or follow you or support you if she doesn’t know what you’re thinking or where you’re going. And you can’t lead her if you don’t know what she’s thinking and feeling. Love your wife because she is your body.
So how does a husband love his wife?
The Model of Love
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).
The gospel is the controlling metaphor for your marriage. This is true for every disciple of Jesus in all of life. In 4:32, Paul said, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” In 5:2: “And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.”
Now Paul says to husbands, “Love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (v. 25). The emphasis is on the sacrifice of Christ to save his bride.
“... Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” (Ephesians 5:25–27).
Merely dying is not an expression of love. But Christ gave himself up for her—that is, he died the death she deserved to die, so that she might live.
There are three purpose statements, each one emphasizing that by his sacrifice, Christ rescued and redeemed his bride. Christ found his bride stained with sin, guilty, impure and condemned to death. But by his death he sanctified and cleansed her, he made her holy and blameless.
And his ultimate purpose is in v. 27: “to present the church to himself in splendor.” Or “as a radiant church” (NIV), “a glorious church” (KJV), “the church in all her glory” (NASB). Or “in brilliant purity,” according to one lexicon (BDAG). She is radiant, like a bride on her wedding, redeemed by the sacrifice of her groom. And his desire is for her, to unite her to himself forever.
Jesus did for his bride what Adam failed to do for Eve. When Eve ate the forbidden fruit, Genesis 3:6 says that Adam “was with her.” Adam was with her the whole time! Why didn’t he crush the serpent’s head? Why didn’t he keep his wife from violating God’s command? He abdicated his authority. Instead of listening to God, who told him not to eat that fruit, he listened to his wife. Adam submitted in the wrong direction (Gen 3:17).
And when God came looking for him, he blamed his wife like a feckless coward. “It was the woman you gave me!” (Gen 3:12). Adam said that, knowing that the punishment for eating from that tree was death. And yet he pointed his finger in accusation at his wife. He took zero responsibility and was willing to offer her life to save his own.
Unlike Adam, Jesus says, “My life for hers.” She is guilty, but I will take full responsibility for her and die in her place. Adam gave in to his bride; Jesus gave himself up for his.
And that is how every husband is called to love—sacrificially. Biblically, love is not merely a feeling you get around another person. It is a commitment to gladly sacrifice yourself for her wellbeing.
There’s a book in the Narnia series by C. S. Lewis called The Horse and His Boy. Toward the end, King Lune of Archenland tells his son, “For this is what it means to be a king: to be first in every desperate attack and last in every desperate retreat, and when there's hunger in the land (as must be now and then in bad years) to wear finer clothes and laugh louder over a scantier meal than any man in your land.”
That is what sacrificial headship looks like. It doesn’t look like giving in to your wife. It looks like giving yourself up for her—for her good.
Joe Rigney writes, “Faithful kingship (or headship) means leading from both the front and the back. If there's a danger to be faced, the head will face it first. If there's a burden to be borne, the head will bear it first. A man will see to it that pain and hardship fall in his lap before they ever fall upon those under his care. And he will bear the pain the longest. He will be last in every desperate retreat. He will ensure the safety and security of others before securing his own. And he will do so with great joy. His attitude is the same as the apostle Paul, who wrote, ‘I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls’ (2 Cor. 12:15).”
Husbands, does the gospel shape the way you love your wife? John Bunyan wrote to husbands, “Be the kind of husband to your believing wife, that she may say, ‘God has not only given me a husband, but the kind of a husband who preaches and witnesses to me every day the attitude of Christ to His church.’”
Conclusion
And if all of that sounds overwhelming, daunting, or intimidating, take heart! The only way for your marriage to reflect the gospel is for you to rely on the gospel.
There is hope for your marriage, not because you will perfectly obey God’s commands to you as husbands and wives. There is hope because Christ perfectly loved you and died to rescue you from your sins. In Christ, there is forgiveness when you fail. But not only that! In Christ, there is also power to obey.
You will not find the strength or ability to love like this in yourself. It is supernatural. The Spirit of God produces this love as you treasure the love of Christ for his church. Meditate on the gospel, and the grace of God will cause you to love like this.
So take heart! It is possible for your marriage to reflect the glory of Christ because Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.