Honor your Father and Your Mother | Exodus 20:12
According to the National Retail Federation’s annual survey, Americans will collectively spend an estimated record high, $22.9 billion to celebrate Father’s Day. That is an average of $196 per man, woman, and child. That amount would completely fund the current SD state budget for 4 years. It would also pay the price for 2 modern day aircraft carriers. And if you think what we spend on Father’s Day is high, Americans spent $35.7 billion on Mother’s Day – i.e. flowers, gifts, special outings, etc. We may live in a post-Christian society, but we do seem to take keeping the 5th of the 10 commandments somewhat seriously – at least when it comes to our pocketbooks.
In Ex. 20, we find ourselves with the Israelites at the foot of Mt Sinai, where we hear God himself speaking. And we may rightly assume that among the multitude standing in God’s presence on that day, there were fathers AND mothers, as well as sons AND daughters. And the 5th command should have our attention, if for no other reason, because it is God himself who is communicating this command. So, listen up. But listen up, also, because the Holy God who communicates this command includes a wonderful promise to encourage us to keep this command.
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”
—Exodus 20:12
The 5th commandment marks a shift in the 10 Commandments. The first 4 commandments instruct us how to love God with all our heart and soul and mind and strength. The first 4 commandments focus on nurturing one’s exclusive devotion to the LORD, who so graciously brought His people out of the land of Egypt, and out of the house of slavery.
The 5th commandment transitions from loving God with all our being, to instruction regarding the “Love your neighbor” section of the 10 Commandments. And with the 5th commandment, the focus turns to what God clearly deems as the first, and most important of all human relationships. The starting point for the “love your neighbor” commands is the relationship between a child and his/her parents. And so, God is revealing to His people the place and the priority of the family in His overarching plan and purpose. So, my outline is this sermon – 1) The importance of the 5th commandment, 2) The meaning of the 5th commandment, 3) The promise of the 5th Commandment, and 4) The keeping of the 5thCommandment. Let’s consider first, the importance of honoring one’s father and one’s mother.
The Importance of the 5th Commandment
It is impossible to overstate the significance of the opening commandment of this second “table” of the law as governing the way the Israelites were to relate to one another, how they were to treat one another. V. 12 again - “Honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12a).
There is NO ground here for charging God and Scripture with exclusive patriarchalism. Honor your father AND your mother. And further, as one scholar observes, “The faithfulness of the nation of Israel would be evaluated by whether compliance to this command was expressed in the home.” The fulfillment of God’s promises and purposes for His people were largely dependent upon whether obedience to this command was lived out in the family. And future discipline and exile would come upon Israel, at least in part, because of their failure to keep the 5th commandment. God speaks through the prophet Ezekiel.
“Father and mother are treated with contempt . . . I will scatter you among the nations and disperse you through the countries”
—Ezekiel 22:7, 15
Failure to keep the 5th commandment is also in view, as the prophet Malachi points to the next stage in redemptive history. Malachi writes,
“I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the LORD comes. And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers.”
—Malachi 4:5-6
So, keeping the 5th commandment is of central importance to the fulfillment of the saving purpose and promise of God. What then, is exactly required? What does it mean to “honor your father and your mother?”
The Meaning of the 5th Commandment
To honor someone means to treat them with appropriate respect due to their God-given role or title. The word “honor” literally means “weight.” It’s a term that communicates how valuable something or someone is. It means to “prize highly.” So, to honor your father and your mother means you don’t treat them lightly. You don’t relate to them casually, or as if they don’t matter. To relate to your parents the way you relate to your peers, or playmates would be to disregard their God-given role and authority. It would DIS-honor them. Therefore, the 5th commandment not only requires honoring parents, but also forbids dishonoring or disrespecting our parents.
I was NOT a rebellious child. I toed the line. It was inconceivable to me to do anything that would disappoint or devalue my mom and dad. But that’s only one side of the 5th commandment. I obeyed them. But I cannot remember ever expressing to them my esteem or appreciation for them.
The seriousness of the 5th commandment is made plain in the penalty born by those who willfully and stubbornly and persistently disrespected and disobeyed their parents.
“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them,
Then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate . . .
And they shall say to the elders of his city, “This our son is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey our voice . . .
Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear.”
—Deuteronomy 21:18-21
Can you imagine if we lived in such times? Under such capital punishment executed on stubborn and rebellious sons and/or daughters? One OT scholar writes,
“Rebellion to parents is particularly condemned in Scripture because it is rightly viewed as evil, ultimately viewed as rebellion against God himself.”
—T. D. Alexander
And Philip Ryken adds, “The Bible has deep revulsion to this kind of disrespect, treating it with a kind of horror.”
Though the OT penalties for breaking the 5th commandment are no longer in effect, this “deep Biblical revulsion” remains. Even though the OT penalties for the breaking the 5th commandment are no longer in effect, there remain serious consequences for those who disregard and disobey the 5th commandment. NT texts, such as Rom. 1:30, communicate that disobedience to parents is a characteristic of a debased culture that is experiencing the just “last days” judgment of God. And we see this judgment all around us.
And God commands the Israelites to honor their fathers and their mothers because their fathers and mothers are the means of transferring the truth of God from one generation to another. So, they are to honor their parents. They are to give weight to the role of their parents, and treasure the authority of their parents, listen and learn from their parents, so that they can benefit from the example and the instruction and the discipline and the love of their parents.
And the implied significance is that, as they do so, they can and will grow in their love for God, obedience, and honor, and praise to God. You see, by honoring their parents in the context of the home, children would learn how to obey and honor the ultimate authority, the Lord himself. That’s what this means.
The Promise of the 5th Commandment
The 5th commandment is the only one of the Ten Commandments accompanied by a promise. And the promise is NOT merely the promise of a longer life span.
“Honor your father and your mother that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”
—Exodus 20:12
In Ex. 20:11, the 4th commandment points back to creation. The 5th commandment points forward to the Israelites future taking up residence in the promised land. The promise has to do with their life as a nation in the land. The promise has to do with the fullness of God’s blessing, both individually and as a nation. One social scientist of the 1960’s wrote,
“The way to destroy a nation is to destroy the family. And the way children can destroy the family is by disobeying their parents.”
—Annie Gottlieb
So, the realization of the promise of the 5th commandment is dependent on trusting and obeying the 5th commandment.
But in the apostle Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he clearly expects the promise of the 5th commandment to continue to have present and practical implications. Anticipating there would be children in the gathering when his letter was read, Paul writes,
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and your mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and you may live long in the land.”
—Ephesians 6:1-3
Paul expects that parents are giving age-appropriate commands to their children. Commands. Directions. Not options. Not bribes. Not deals. Because wise parents give age-appropriate commands to their children, and expect obedience from their children. And children who obey their parents are normally the happiest children in the room. And when children obey their parents, everyone else in the room is happier as well.
And notice how Paul motivates these kids to obey their parents. “For” or “because” what? “Because this is right.” Parental authority is divinely delegated authority. So, by obeying parents, the children in Ephesus (and in Sioux Falls) are living the right way. They’re living the way God intends for his people to live. Any other way is foolish, and there will be consequences.
And then Paul quotes the 5th commandment. And notice what shows up in our ESV Bibles in parenthesis. It’s the promise!! Not only is it right that children obey their parents. The 5th commandment comes with a promise of God’s undeserved kindness. Think about it. God could have said, “Honor your father and your mother, OR ELSE!” Instead, he issues the command with a sweet promise to encourage them. IF they honor their fathers and mothers, it won’t simply be a $20-30 billion blessing to the economy. If they honor their fathers and mothers, it will go well with them. And Paul makes it very personal (2nd person, sing.)
“It may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
—Ephesians 6:3
This is so important. In Ex. 20 the promise is made to children in the context of the promised land. But in the NT, under the New Covenant, the promised blessing of God in relation to the 5th commandment is no longer restricted to the nation of Israel or limited to a particular geography in the Middle East. This promise made to a people, established by the New Covenant, and fulfilled through the generation of international spiritual community of Jews and Gentiles. And what a promise it is. Now, how do we actually keep the 5th commandment?
Keeping the 5th Commandment
What does keeping the 5th commandment look like? Let me begin by addressing the children in the room. If you are 1st through 5th graders, look at me and listen to me right now. What does it look like for you to honor and obey your parents? If you are 1st-5th graders, keeping the 5th commandment is not complicated. It’s not hard to understand. You can honor your parents by simply obeying your parents immediately and cheerfully. That’s all it takes. “Yes, dad.” “Yes, mom.” Do that and you will rock the 5th commandment every time. Just remember to obey your parents immediately and cheerfully.
But here’s one more thing I would ask you to do. Memorize the 5th commandment. I have grandchildren that can recite Eph. 6:1. “Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” But I’d recommend memorizing Eph. 6:2-3 as well. “Honor you father and your mother . . . that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” If you honor your parents by obeying your parents immediately and cheerfully, it will go well with you. It will go well with everyone. There will be less unhappiness, less stress, less anger, less frustration. All that will diminish. And it will go well with you out in public. It will go well with you when you’re with other people and other families. It will be more pleasant for everyone.
Now teenagers, listen. What does honoring your father and your mother look like for you? The 5th commandment doesn’t run in the current of a culture that celebrates ridicule, mockery, and belittling of parents. Be forewarned, teenagers, if you comply with this command, you will eventually find yourselves ridiculed, mocked and made little of as well.
But here’s the thing. When you do obey this command, you will feel the pleasure of God. And you will experience the fullness of God, and the rich blessing and favor of God – in your life and throughout your life. You would be wise to memorize Eph. 6:1-3 as well. But here are a couple of recommendations for you. 1) Wise teenagers honor their parents by asking for their counsel. “Dad, mom, what do you think I should do?” To my shame, I never did this. To my shame, I thought I knew more than my parents. 2) Wise teenagers inform their parents of their temptations. To my shame, I never did this either. And oh what a difference it would have made. There are things I regret to this day that my dad and mom never knew about. Prov. 28:13 says,
“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.”
—Proverbs 28:13
It is probably safe to assume that there are teenagers here in this room right now with sin concealed from their parents. Perhaps you’re deceived by sin. Perhaps you assume no one will find out. May the Lord move you and help you to respond to His mercy, and wisdom, and goodness, and stop concealing your sin. Rather, confess it, and forsake it, and experience the sweet taste of God’s mercy in your life. 3) Follow the guidance of your parents when it comes to choosing who you hang out with – or perhaps more importantly, who NOT to hang out with.
“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”
—Proverbs 13:20
And keep in mind that companions are NOT only people. Companions come in the form of music, and social media, and what you’re watching and reading and following. Fools come in many forms. And the result is that harm will come – harm that you don’t even see coming, because often times, it’s internal harm. It starts with a desensitizing of your discernment and conscience. But quickly, and more seriously, it becomes a detraction from lively affections for Jesus. Only later does it reveal itself in some public form of harm.
Now, of course, there are times when the worst and most foolish companions are one’s dad and mom. That is such a challenge. And may God protect you and sustain your faith in such a hurtful environment. But there are ways to honor them. 4) Express gratefulness for and to your parents. Tell them “thank you” for all the sacrifices they made, all the hard decisions they had to make, all that they have given you, and made possible for you. If only I could tell my dad and mom how thankful I am for all they did for me, gave up for me. And never once did they complain, or grumble, or shame me by reminding me of everything they did for me. 5) Speak well of your parents – IN PUBLIC.
I can think of children and teenagers in this church that I would commend. I’ve been in missional community gatherings, and birthday celebrations, and social settings where I’ve heard you able to express evidence of God’s grace in the lives of parents and adults. And what a joy that is. You are keeping the 5th commandment, and doing more to advance the gospel than you can imagine or think. People notice it. It’s so rare, they can’t help it.
Now the 5th commandment also relates to adults. Whether you’ve just turned 18 and left home, or you’re in the thick of that most difficult chapter of caring for your parents as they become helpless as children again, we never outgrow the command to honor our parents. But, “if you’re growing in humility and maturity, you will only be more and more perceptive to the countless ways your parents have served you, and loved you, what a unique gift they are from the Lord to you.”
So, 18+ friends, honor your parents by communicating your gratefulness – specifically and repeatedly. Honor your parents by your presence with them – especially elderly parents. When my mother was essentially “gone” with dementia, I could tell by her body language and muffled sounds, that she loved me holding her. My wife and I were blessed earlier this month with the opportunity to spend a week with her parents. They’re 88. We’ve sought to honor them by asking them to recount their respective stories, in writing. It has opened up new worlds.
Now, if you were raised by a single parent, that parent is particularly deserving of honor for their care for you. Fulfilling that role, solo, is nothing short of heroic. Shower that parent with your gratefulness and your affection.
I’m aware that it is near impossible to lean into the 5th commandment, and not be mindful of parents who are NOT deserving of honor. Perhaps you didn’t grow up with a godly father or mother. Perhaps you were abandoned, or your parents divorced, or perhaps your father or mother were abusive in some way. Here is my prayer for you. May you know in a most personal and palpable way that God himself declares himself, in Scripture, as the Father of the fatherless. Ps. 27:10 says,
“My father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in.”
—Psalm 27:10
And may you also be reminded this morning that in the kindness of God, the Lord has given you a new family. He has set you in this church, where there are many fathers and mothers. All around you are those who care for you.
One last word, a most important word, to children of all ages. I cannot leave you with the impression that it is possible to perfectly obey this commandment. It’s impossible. There was only one who flawlessly obeyed the 5th commandment. His name is Jesus. In Luke’s gospel is an account from Jesus’ life as a twelve-year-old. He was in the city of Jerusalem with his parents for a holiday. And to our shock and awe, his father and mother, apparently left the city, and not until three days later, did they realize that their son was not with them. That is an example of unwise parenting. They lost the Messiah. But after, what can only have been a frantic search, they did manage to find him again. And in Lk. 2:51 it says,
“He went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them.”
—Luke 2:51
Jesus is the one and only one who perfectly obeyed the 5th commandment – from his earliest years, to his final hours on the cross. He perfectly kept the 5th commandment until the very end of his life – as he was experiencing the indescribable physical agony of crucifixion. Jesus obeyed the 5th commandment as he experienced the unimaginable horror of being made sin with our sin, as he experienced the outpouring of God’s righteous wrath against our sin on the cross. Jesus kept the 5th commandment while hanging on that bloody cross, as he honored and cared for his mother. Jn. 19:27 records his words.
“He said to the disciple, “Behold your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home.”
—John 19:27
Only Jesus perfectly kept the 5th commandment. And only one who perfectly kept the commandments could die for those who have broken the commandments. And the one who perfectly fulfilled God’s law, died on the cross for our disobedience to the 5th commandment, and paid the penalty for our breaking the 5th commandment. And so, through his perfect obedience to the 5th commandment, and his death in the place of all who have broken the 5th commandment, now, today all who trust in his obedience on their behalf, and in his death in their place, are forgiven of their sins and given his righteousness as a gift. So, let’s sing together our praise to the one who bore our sin. Oh how good he has been to us. Sing of his mercy!