Courtship Basics: The List

What should you look for in a spouse?

The online dating website eHarmony launched in the year 2000 as the first algorithm-based dating site. The platform is built on the assumption that compatibility is the most significant factor for married couples. The more “compatible” a man and woman are, the happier and healthier the marriage will be. And compatibility is a complicated quality calculated by background, interests, personality, skills, beliefs, and more. So eHarmony analyzes all these factors in couples who report having happy marriages and crafts a questionnaire to create a profile for each user. That profile is plugged into an algorithm that is supposed to pair people up with the most compatible options.

Apart from relying on the eHarmony algorithm, how can anyone possibly get married with any confidence that they are as compatible as possible with the other person? When it comes to what to look for in a spouse, what are the essential qualities and traits you should have on your “list”? While the psychology experts can create complex algorithms, Christians living by faith and following God’s Word have a simple list.

Is He/She a Christian?

The most essential, non-negotiable factor that a Christian should look for in a spouse is that he or she is a Christian.

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?”

—2 Corinthians 6:14–15

While Paul was not directly addressing marriage, his point certainly applies to the choice of a spouse. This goes far beyond compatible beliefs and values, though that is a blessing. To marry another Christian is to marry someone who has been regenerated by the Spirit of God and born again to spiritual life. A follower of Christ has been forgiven and adopted by the Father and is being sanctified by the Spirit. Another Christian is living by faith in Christ, submitting to the authority of God’s Word, and desiring God’s glory above all. These are not trivial matters; they are life changing realities. Marrying another Christian is not just the better of two valid choices. It is the only option and a matter of faithful obedience to God.

Does He/She Know How to Resolve Conflict?

Besides marrying a Christian, the most important quality to look for in a spouse is a demonstrated ability to resolve relational conflict God’s way (which is only possible between two Christians).

For the Christian, conflict resolution is simple. It means responding to your spouse’s sin the way God responds to your sin.

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

—Ephesians 4:32

The key word in that statement is the conjunction as. It indicates a comparison and points to the pattern. You must forgive others as—that is, in the same way that God has forgiven you. And how has God forgiven you? He removes your sin from you as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). He chooses not to remember your sins (Isaiah 43:25). He casts your sins into the depths of the sea (Micah 7:19). So that is how Christians forgive each other.

No amount of compatibility has ever spared any couple from conflict. That’s because what causes fights and quarrels is not incompatibility, but unfulfilled desires (Jas 4:1–2). And no amount of compatibility can make up for the Spirit-empowered ability to confess your sins to one another and to forgive from the heart.

The ability to resolve conflict God’s way should be at the top of your list when choosing a spouse. Does this person deal with problems quickly, or do they ignore, avoid, or try to sweep things under the rug? Does this person quickly admit when they are in the wrong and confess that sin humbly to God and to others? Or do they make excuses or shift the blame? Are they quick to forgive, or do they hold a grudge, grow bitter, and punish relationally? This ability to resolve relational conflict biblically matters far more than shared hobbies and interests, similar backgrounds, or compatible personality types.

Do I Trust Him/Her?

Besides the two qualities above, there are two basic questions you are trying to answer during courtship. The first one is, Do I trust this person? Trust is the currency of every relationship. Your entire marriage will be established on the foundation of covenant vows. On your wedding day, you will stand before God and witnesses to promise and covenant exclusive love and faithfulness as long as you both shall live. Of course, anyone can make such a weighty promise. And many people do. But not everyone keeps that promise. When one person makes a promise, the recipient of the promise can either believe it or not. This is why trust is the currency of relationships.

And trust is built on truth. The more truthful someone has been in the past, the more we trust them in the future. Trustworthiness is like your credit score: people who tell the truth and keep their word have a high credit score. So how do you run a credit check on a possible spouse? A wise approach is to get to know their closest friends and family. Do other people trust them? Do they have a reputation for integrity and reliability at home, at work, and with friends?

In the end, there is no way to guarantee the future with total certainty. Humans will let you down and break your trust, but the Lord never will.

Am I Willing to Love Her/Respect Him?

The second question depends on whether you’re a man or a woman, since God gives different commands to husbands and wives. God requires husbands to love their wives (Eps 5:25, 28, 33), and God requires wives to submit to and respect their husbands (Eps 5:22, 33).

As a man, the question is whether or not you are willing to love this particular woman for better or for worse. And love is biblically defined. In our culture, love is subjectively defined. “I love you” basically means “you make me feel good.” In Scripture, love is defined by God’s law. “For the commandments … are summed up in this word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law” (Romans 13:9–10).

In Scripture, love and give often appear together as parallel verbs.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son” (Jn 3:16).

“The Son of God … loved me and gave himself for me” (Gal 2:20).

“Walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us” (Eph 5:2).

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25).

So as a man, you are not asking whether you are “in love with her” merely in a romantic, subjective sense. The question is whether you are willing to commit—by grace through faith in Christ—to denying yourself and laying down your life for the good of this particular woman, no matter how you feel.

For a woman, the question is whether you are willing to submit to this particular man. While the idea of submission is offensive to our culture, it should be noted that Scripture does not require all women to submit to all men. A wife is called by God to submit only to her own husband, and she gets to choose her husband. So if you’re a woman, it’s important to choose a man you respect and would be happy submitting to as long as you live. If you’re going to commit to following him, you want to find a man who can lovingly lead you, stand up to you, provide for you, and protect you.

Worry about Yourself

The danger with any checklist is that you can become a critic and a faultfinder, constantly evaluating other people under a microscope. In the end, you have to remember that you’re not looking for a perfect person. You’re going to marry a sinner. And worse, he or she is going to marry you, with all your faults and flaws. That’s why your hope must rest, not in compatibility scores, but in the grace of God. In Christ Jesus, there is hope for every marriage.