The 10 Commandments & Parenting
Introduction
In his famous work The Duties of Parents, author and pastor J.C. Ryle gives tremendously helpful hints for parenting. Here is the first:
First, then, if you would train your children rightly, train them in the way they should go (Prov 22:6), and not in the way that they would (emphasis mine).
– J.C. Ryle
If you have little kids, you know that anarchy is not an option. It does not take long in the development process of children to recognize their inclinations are towards sin and not righteousness. If anyone is looking for a case study in original sin, find a newly-mobile toddler.
So if we are going to obey the command in Proverbs 22:6, we are going to be training our kids against their nature. We are cutting against the grain. Not only that, but our children’s rebellion and disobedience is a daily mirror being placed in front of us as parents, exposing our pride, selfishness, and quick-temperedness. What we see in our kids is what the Lord sees in us—why can’t we just obey! So what hope is there for us in the 10 Commandments in our parenting?
Few NOs in a World of Yes
When God made Adam and Eve, he placed them in a perfect garden. He gave them a job to do, the resources to make it happen, and a world full of bounty and satisfaction. In the midst of it, he gave them one law: do not eat from one particular tree. As one author says:
“God gave them one no in a world of yes.”
– Douglas Wilson
The 10 Commandments are the same. After winning for himself a people, God calls the Israelites to himself and issues 10 words. Have you ever considered that 10 is not that many? Yes, much of the rest of the Pentateuch is given to applying the 10 Commandments to that particular context in redemptive history, but behind all the civil and ceremonial laws in the Torah is the gracious moral law, summarized in the 10 Commandments, and summarized even simpler by Jesus as 2 commands:
And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
– Matthew 22:37–40
Our homes should be filled with grace. No, we are not calling for anarchy. There must always be standards, and those standards should reflect God’s standards. But if God can govern an entire nation with 10 words that can be applied to countless situations, then we can govern our homes with few nos and abundant yesses.
Instead of machine-gunning rule after rule at our kids when they get on our nerves (“Stop doing that!”, “Go over there!”, “Don’t say that!”), we are better served to have few laws that are enforced every time that apply to multiple different circumstances. Imitate God in your discipline and parenting.
The Gracious Law
As always, there are two ditches to avoid in this discussion. We want to avoid a “paint-by-numbers” approach that can lead to legalism, and an anything-goes approach that gives way to license to any and all behaviors.
God did not give the Law to the Israelites while they were still in Egypt and say, “Once you guys show me you can keep these laws, then I will act to save you.” He also didn’t save them from Egypt, lead them through the Red Sea, and then set them loose in the wilderness to live however they saw fit. God saved his people and declared them as his own possession (Exodus 20:2—“I am the Lord your God”). While they were still in bondage in Egypt, God saved them and brought them into his family. And only after that does God give them the law. As 1 John 5:2–3 puts it:
By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome.
– 1 John 5:2–3
Obeying the Law was never about earning or securing their status before God. Obeying the Law was what it meant to belong to the household of God. God loved us enough to save us while we were still sinners (Rom 5:8–9), and loved us enough to tell us how to love him back—by keeping his commandments.
Do our children see our training and discipline in that way? Do they understand that God had made us to love him and to love him means obeying his commands. And, as John points out, those commands are not burdensome! They are given for our good and for our flourishing.
The Gospel and Parenting
As Jesus points out in Matthew 5:17, he did not come to abolish and do away with the 10 Commandments, but to fulfill them. In the life, death, and resurrection of Christ, the Law was re-oriented and brought to its intended goal—Christ himself. He is the hinge of history and the one whom the entire OT pointed to and anticipated. So now, we are no longer under the Law in the same way the OT Israelites were, but view the law through the prism of the person and work of Christ.
What that means is not that we are freed from obeying the Law, but are freed to obey the Law. Ezekiel foresaw this change coming when he said:
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.
– Ezekiel 36:26–27
In short, obedience is possible. Not only is it possible, but commanded. And the good news is that God has not asked us to do anything he has not made provision for. Because of Jesus, we can actually offer hope to our kids as we discipline them. When we break God’s laws, we can actually be forgiven and we can extend forgiveness to our brothers and sisters when they sin against us. And we treat forgiven sins as God does—we remove them as far as the east is from the west.
Conclusion
So rest in the finished work of Christ as you parent. He gives the grace to obey and the grace to keep going! And thank him that he doesn’t treat us the way our sins deserve, but has graciously given us everything we need for life and godliness…and parenting!
Parenting Resources:
The Duties of Parents, J.C. Ryle
Standing on the Promises, Douglas Wilson
Why Children Matter, Douglas Wilson
Shepherding A Child’s Heart, Ted Tripp
Age of Opportunity, Ted Tripp