On Negative Self-Talk
We’re all familiar with “negative self-talk.” We hear it within our own heads. From time to time we hear someone audibly disparage himself. It’s that condemning, critical voice that says things like, “I am such an idiot!”
What kind of negative, condemning things do you say to yourself over and over?
I am fill-in-the-blank.
Stupid. Lazy. Fat. A failure. A lousy parent. A horrible spouse.
Some people talk to themselves in the second person: “You’re a loser!”
The way we talk to ourselves about ourselves directly affects the way we feel and the way we live. Negative self-talk can quickly spiral down into overwhelming guilt and deep despair. And at the bottom of that slope, in the most extreme cases, the thoughts are even darker: “Life isn’t worth living. I should just end it all.”
As a Christian living in the reality of Romans 8:1—“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”—what should you do when you hear yourself (or others) talking like this?
Take negative self-talk seriously.
The wisdom of the world says you should counteract negative thoughts by trying to think only positive thoughts and never saying anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a friend.
However, negative self-evaluation comes from somewhere, and we often have good reasons for thinking what we think. Instead of ignoring or suppressing those thoughts, consider why you are convinced that you are a failure. It is possible that you have actually failed to live God’s way. It is possible that you have been a lousy parent, a selfish spouse, or a rude friend. Long-term freedom from negative self-talk will never come from lying to yourself about how great you are when you know that’s not true.
Get to the root.
Down below our thoughts and judgments about ourselves (“I’m worthless”) and our situation (“My life is hopeless”) are thoughts, beliefs, and convictions about God. And what you think about God is the root of everything. Like pulling weeds in the garden, getting to the root takes some work, mainly because the thing about roots is that they’re not visible. It’s not immediately apparent how a thought about myself has anything to do with God whatsoever.
The key is to identify what your statements imply about God. Beneath the crushing thought that I’m worthless may be the belief that God can’t or won’t redeem me. Behind the conviction that I’m a failure may be the belief that God can’t or won’t forgive. At the root of the belief that I’m alone is actually a belief that God has abandoned me. Negative self-talk is so serious because we’re often implying untrue things about God.
Confess.
To confess means literally “to say with” or to say the same thing. When we confess our sins, we are simply agreeing with God and all that he says about our sin. The thing about negative self-talk is that it’s often true, but it’s not spoken in godly repentance as genuine confession. Instead speaking harshly to yourself about your sin, confess your sin to God and trust his gracious promise: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
Take rebellious, unbelieving thoughts captive.
In 2 Corinthians 10:5–6, Paul speaks of taking thoughts captive. He says it like this: “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete” (2 Corinthians 10:5–6).
Notice that the opinions and arguments are specifically “raised against the knowledge of God.” The thoughts you need to arrest and banish immediately are lies about God. “God has abandoned me. God doesn’t love me. God can’t help me.” If a burglar entered your home in the middle of the night, you would take action. Likewise, blasphemous thoughts must not be allowed to go trespassing through our minds.
Apply the gospel.
The other thing to notice is that Paul’s aim is obedience in the life of Christians. If I feel like a failure because I have failed to obey God as a husband, I don’t need someone to pat me on the head and say, “There, there, nobody’s perfect.” I need to remember that every disobedience will be punished, that sin is serious, that Jesus died for my sin, that forgiveness is available for me in Christ, and that trusting in Jesus produces obedient fruit, not just “positive feelings.”
The painful reality is that we do fail. We all fall short of the glory of God. We come up short in our parenting, our marriages, our friendships, and our responsibilities. The remedy is not to turn a blind eye or to find someone who will tell us how great we are. The solution is to repent and believe, to confess our sins and trust in Jesus, the only righteous one. The way to be free from condemning thoughts is to be forgiven and justified.
Respond God’s way.
You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, as they say. We can’t go back in time to change the past, but we are responsible for how we respond right now. When we blow it, the temptation is to wallow in self-pity and self-flagellation, but that’s simply an attempt to atone for our own sins without Christ. We can’t fix past wrongs by responding wrongly in the present, but we can always make things worse. When we respond sinfully to our problems, our problems always get worse. No amount of beating yourself up can atone for sin (Psalm 49:7–8).
When you have failed, the only question is, “What does God call me to do now?” Then respond God’s way. Where sin abounds, the grace of God super-abounds (Romans 5:20).
Discussion/Reflection Questions
Have I ignored or glossed over negative judgments instead of taking them seriously and getting to the root?
What do my negative and condemning thoughts imply about God?
Are there any unbelieving thoughts I’ve been tolerating instead of arresting and confessing to God?
Do I tend to be more aware of my sin and failure or Christ’s righteousness and forgiveness?
How does God require that I respond to the current problem or challenge I’m facing?