Encouragement for Lonely Women
The following is a made-up letter to a made-up individual, though it is informed by real-life experiences. I trust it will help real-life people.
Dear Amelia,
I’m so glad you reached out with your concerns. Based on your email, it sounds like you’ve been struggling to connect with other women in the church. It looks to you like all of the other women already have close friends. You’ve gradually concluded that no one is interested in getting to know you. But if I’m hearing you correctly, the real pain is a bit deeper. You’re getting the sense that some of the other women actually dislike you. Your personalities don’t mesh. Your interests don’t overlap. Your sense of humor is out of sync. You are too much for them.
Is that an accurate summary of the situation?
Since you feel so isolated and alone, you may be surprised to hear that your predicament is not at all uncommon. Believe it or not, you’re not the first woman in the church who has shared the same concerns with me. Hearing from numerous women has given me a unique vantage point as a pastor and I think I can offer some counsel. When I noticed that multiple women struggled with the same thoughts and feelings, I began to recognize that the real problem was not what any of the women thought it was. Let me explain.
What you perceive as coldness and dislike from other women is most likely their own insecurity and self-absorption. Think about it like this. When you’re feeling out of place and dwelling on the thought that no one likes you, how do you think you appear to the other women? Warm? Inviting? Friendly? Probably not. In fact, you probably appear to them the same way they appear to you. Now, consider what happens when you think they don’t like you and they think you don’t like them.
Of course, it’s possible that some other woman is consciously thinking, “I don’t like Amelia.” If you suspect someone has something against you, the solution is simple. Jesus said, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23–24). So drop whatever it is you’re doing and go ask that person directly whether you have done something to offend her. If you have sinned against her, make it right.
But chances are good that no one is thinking about you in such a negative way. What some of those women are thinking is probably along the lines of, “Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me.” And who is the object of those sentences? It’s not you.
So what happens when you fill a room with women who are thinking about themselves? They come across to each other as cold, unfriendly, disinterested, and unkind, which only confirms everyone else’s suspicions. It can become a crazy cycle, unless someone stops it.
And by God’s grace, you can stop it.
Start by learning to differentiate between your feelings and your judgments. I feel like no one likes me isn’t a feeling at all. It’s a hunch that will grow into a deeply held belief if you’re not careful. Instead you ought to say, “I feel lonely because I’m convinced no one likes me.” But is that conviction true? Evaluate your thoughts and take the rogue ones captive to make them obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). Do you know that no one likes you, or are you speculating about the thoughts and motives of others? Don’t allow yourself to dwell on false assumptions. Not even for five seconds.
One of the worst things you can do is wallow in self-pity. Remember, obsession with self is what got all of you into this mess. So don’t waste any time feeling sorry for yourself or replaying that time Jane ignored you. Every time you catch yourself thinking a thought with “me” as the object, repent immediately. And by repent, I mean confess any self-centeredness to God as sin, turn your heart and your mind to treasure Jesus more than self, and rejoice that your sins are forgiven by the blood of Jesus.
I’d like you to read Philippians 2:3–11 and memorize verses 3-4. Then let that passage inform all of your interactions with other women in the church from this point forward.
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” (Philippians 2:3–11, ESV)
Jesus emptied himself, humbled himself, and died so you could be set free from needing to be made much of. Now Jesus is highly exalted, and you get to live to make much of him by loving and serving others. So the next time you’re around other women and you catch yourself thinking about what everyone else might be thinking about you, recite Philippians 2:3-4 to yourself. Then resolve, by God’s grace, to count those women more significant than yourself. Instead of wishing that they would be good friends to you, resolve to be a good friend to them. Take an interest in them. And if it’s awkward at first, don’t take it personally.
Fill a room with insecure and self-absorbed people and you’ll have an unfriendly place. But imagine the warm hospitality of a community where people are obsessed with Jesus and focused on the interests of others. Women who have the mind of Christ are comfortable in their own skin, and women who are comfortable in their own skin make homes and churches into joyful places.
Like me, I’m sure you can think of numerous women in our church who are like that. I’m confident that’s the kind of woman God is making you.