It Takes Two to Tango
On March 8, 2020, I preached a sermon called “Redeeming Masculinity & Femininity” from 1 Timothy 2:11-15. The meaning of that text applies in so many different ways to men and women, single people and married couples, old and young. This post is part of a series that seeks to address some of those applications.
For several decades now, the median age at marriage has been steadily rising. Men and women in America today are waiting almost a decade longer to get married than adults did in the 1950s and 1960s.†
Not only are people waiting longer, but fewer people are choosing to get married. In 1978, 59% of adults between the ages of 18 and 34 were married. Four decades later, only 29% of adults in the same age range are married.
The factors driving this trend are numerous. More unmarried couples live together today than ever before in America. Young adults who grew up in broken homes are unconvinced that marriage works. Others see marriage as an impediment to independence in the prime of life when they could be partying, traveling, and climbing the corporate ladder.
Of course, some adults are involuntarily unmarried. That is, they would prefer to be married, and being single (whether never married or divorced) is a painful and disappointing reality. That’s why I wrote in March about singleness as suffering.
Others are unmarried by conscious choice, but not all choices are created equal. It’s one thing to have the gift of celibacy, like the Apostle Paul. It’s another thing to devalue marriage, disdain children, and choose personal convenience over covenant commitment.
While acknowledging and lamenting involuntary singleness, I want to offer this general encouragement to unmarried adults: as far as it depends on you, get married.
And I say as far as it depends on you because, as one of our songwriters has said, “There are lots of things that you can do alone, but it takes two to tango.”
To Marry or Not to Marry
There is nothing inherently wrong with being single, and for some, singleness may even be ideal (1 Corinthians 7:6-7). Yet for a great many, singleness is less than ideal. And while there are legitimate reasons for being single, it’s also possible for singleness to stem from laziness, immaturity, selfishness, or ignorance of God’s purpose for marriage. So how do you know if you should pursue marriage more proactively?
Well, are you lonely? After God made the man and put him in the Garden to work it and keep it, God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18). That statement stands out like a hipster at Target because everything else was said to be good and very good (Genesis 1:10, 12, 18, 21, 25, 31). God made man in his own image to be fruitful, to multiply, to fill the earth and subdue it. We call that the Creation Mandate or the Cultural Mandate. But no man can fulfill it alone. It takes the institution of marriage, the union of one man and one woman in covenant commitment. The earth really is going to be filled with worshipers who outnumber the stars, and marriage is a key part of that (Malachi 2:15).
Do you struggle with sexual temptations? In 1 Corinthians 7:8–9, Paul writes, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (emphasis added). Singleness is never an excuse for yielding to temptation, but if you “burn with passion,” Scripture does admonish you to get married.
By the way, some people have this hyper-spiritualized idea that all of their motives and desires have to be perfect, all of their sins conquered, all of their maturity achieved before marriage. Not only is that unrealistic, it fails to recognize that marriage and parenthood are sanctifying relationships that God wields on our souls to produce maturity.
Do you struggle with idleness, gossip, or “drama”? One of Paul’s concerns for unmarried women in Ephesus was that some of them were “idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not” (1 Timothy 5:13). And what did Paul—inspired by the Spirit of God—prescribe as a remedy? “So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander” (1 Timothy 5:14).
Get Married
On at least two occasions, God’s Word prescribes marriage as a remedy to common temptations and sins. That doesn’t imply that marriage itself saves or solves all your problems. It means that marriage is a natural step of obedient faith for many and that avoiding it can both come from and lead to other problems.
At a minimum, all believers must have a high view of marriage. “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Hebrews 13:4). Scripture explicitly affirms the goodness of marriage: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22). And Scripture clearly condemns those who forbid marriage (1 Tim. 4:1-3).
So take steps. If you’re a man, you might need to find the courage to ask her. And if you’re a woman, you might take a cue from Ruth and put yourself on his radar. In all of this, you may need to modify your “list” and adjust your expectations to align more with God’s priorities than your preferences.
If you don’t have the gift of celibacy, then as far as it depends on you, get married, start a family, and build a household. It will be one of the most challenging, rewarding, exhausting, thrilling, sin-exposing, and sanctifying endeavors of your life.