Singleness as Suffering
On March 8, 2020, I preached a sermon called “Redeeming Masculinity & Femininity” from 1 Timothy 2:11-15. The meaning of that text applies in so many different ways to men and women, single people and married couples, old and young. This post is part of a series that seeks to address some of those applications.
If you’ve been around Christian circles for a while, you’ve probably heard people talk about “the gift of singleness.”
And if you’re single, maybe you’ve felt like the kid who knows he should fake a smile and thank his grandma for the ugly sweater. But is that it? Just keep faking gratitude to God for a gift you were hoping not to receive?
Idolizing Marriage?
It’s popular within the American Evangelical world today to say that the Church idolizes marriage and the family. For example, “Faith culture has made marriage the end-all, be-all, and it’s not healthy.”
People who say that are probably trying to make single people feel better, but that’s using the law against the righteous, which Paul says not to do (1 Timothy 1:8-9).
Of course, it’s possible to idolatrously believe that a husband or wife or baby can satisfy and secure you. And many individuals do idolatrously desire marriage or kids. But when the Church honors marriage and parenting and holds them up as good things to pursue, this is right and good. Desiring a good thing because it’s a good thing is a good thing.
Besides, there’s better hope and better comfort for singles than taking aim at potential objects of envy.
Is There a Gift of Singleness?
The concept of a “gift of singleness” comes from 1 Corinthians 7:7, where Paul says, “I wish that all were as I myself am [i.e., unmarried]. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another” (emphasis added).
So there it is, right? It seems pretty clear.
Based on this passage, many conclude that everyone who is unmarried has “the gift of singleness.” One well-known blogger says, “How can you know if you’ve been given that gift of singleness? You can know through a simple test: Are you married or are you single?” Another Christian author says, “I know which ‘gift’ I have by a simple test: if I am married, I have the gift of marriage; if I am not married, I have the gift of being unmarried.”
While both of those authors end up making good and true points about contentment, their “test” misses the point Paul is making.
Paul doesn’t assume that everyone unmarried has the gift of singleness. In fact, immediately after acknowledging that “each has his own gift from God,” Paul says, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:8–9, emphasis added).
Notice where Paul doesn’t go. He doesn’t say, “If you’re single, you have the gift of singleness.” He says that some who are unmarried should get married.
So it would make more sense to talk about a gift of celibacy, willfully abstaining from marriage with a God-given lack of desire to be married.
But if you really want to be married and you’re not, then your singleness is a different kind of gift.
Singleness as Suffering
For many, singleness is a gift the way cancer is a gift.
As Christians, we believe the Bible and all that it teaches about God’s providence. Listen to the Heidelberg Catechism:
“God’s providence is his almighty and ever present power, whereby, as with his hand, he still upholds heaven and earth and all creatures, and so governs them that leaf and blade, rain and drought, fruitful and barren years, food and drink, health and sickness, riches and poverty, indeed, all things, come to us not by chance but by his fatherly hand.”
Read that again. Slowly. Worshipfully. And insert “singleness and marriage” between “health and sickness” and “riches and poverty.”
Nothing comes to you by chance. It all comes from his fatherly hand. Even your marital status.
And yet we can still look at that list and acknowledge that the days of drought, barrenness, sickness, and poverty test our faith differently than rain, fruitfulness, health, and riches.
Those who don’t have the gift of celibacy don’t have to try to convince themselves that singleness is what they always wished for any more than those who have cancer have to convince themselves cancer is what they always hoped for.
Finding New Resources
Here’s why this matters. If you’ve always been told that singleness is a great gift, you may have wondered what’s wrong with you for not liking it more. Some end up belittling marriage to convince themselves they don’t want it, or they cynically accuse married people of idolizing their spouses and kids.
But when you acknowledge that your singleness is a sort of suffering, you will find that all kinds of promises in Scripture—which you thought had nothing to do with singleness—suddenly apply to you.
None of these passages are specifically about singleness, but they are for anyone who suffers in any way.
“I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” - Philippians 4:12–13
Christ is the secret to facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need, marriage and singleness.
“For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” - 2 Corinthians 1:8–9
It might be melodramatic to equate singleness with a “sentence of death,” but you get the point, right? If God’s grace is sufficient for Paul in that kind of affliction, then it will be enough for you in yours.
“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.” - Habakkuk 3:17–19
And there are dozens and dozens more. You just have to know what you’re looking for.
A Personal Example
Nearly 8 years ago, my wife gave birth to twin boys with a condition called nemaline myopathy. Both boys were immediately dependent on ventilators and feeding tubes. Isaac passed away when he was three and Caleb’s life has been full of pain and difficulty. And yet we believe all of this came to us, not by chance but by God’s fatherly hand.
However, when we dreamed of having kids, we never dreamed of nemaline myopathy or any other physical suffering. We believe that from eternity looking back we will say, “We would have it no other way,” but the in-between is a process. We don’t get to that final joy by trying to convince ourselves we always longed for disability. We get there by fighting to trust God’s goodness and wisdom in the midst of our pain, suffering, and uncertainty.
“The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flow'r.”
Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash